In The Immortal Words of Katina Choovanski...
"At what point did I become a complete idiot with absolutely no pride whatsoever??"
I used to strike a bizarre ballance between being a covert control freak (over myself only, of course, otherwise it wouldn't be covert) and a mindless piece of fluff blown about on the winds of others' whims. Lately, that ballance has been upset. Or rather my (in)action has upset that ballance. I've very slowly given up the more useful aspects of the control freak, only keeping those with no practical value whatsoever (like getting irritated when my mom tells me she vacuumed in my old room because I know that means she was near my stuff). This has happened so slowly that I've only really noticed it now that it's reached a crisis point of sorts. I'm stuck and I don't know how to get unstuck.
I am so fucking stupid. How could I have let myself get to this point? Why the hell can't I just pay attention?
posted by Raksha @ 4:04 PM
4 Comments:
I would start by taking a deep breath....
There, now seriously rethink your self-destructive comments. Being a control freak does not have to be motivated by anger. True balance is not found within ever self-hatred or mindless wanderings. Your mind, body and soul are smarter than that, so when you demand so harshly of yourself your mind eventually allows some slack. Find you deepest truth, value, or idea about yourself and build a balanced everyday outcome from that. Averageness is more useful than what your perfectionistic mind might allow. Just relax...
In addition to Mark's good advice, I'd also suggest that you find someone you can talk openly with about this. Often our situations sound much less daunting when we hear them out loud.
Thanks guys.
Unfortunately, it's nearly impossible for me to calm down or talk about things like this. That was one reason why I resisted assimilation into the Blog Collective for so long. I knew that eventually I'd get in a Mood and post something like this which everyone would see before I came to regret it enough to erase it. Argh.
No erasey. Think about it this way...it's a barometer for how you're doing.
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